| | Immature Musical Ramblings
If I could trap the glow of a compact disc, bottle it up and drink it, I believe everything would become infinitely more interesting. All hip hop vocals would sound like the love child of Vinnie Paz and Black Thought, except with even more lyrical references to Illadelph and space travel. I would make Indie rocker snobs finally realize that they are the musical equivalent of those annoying Comic Con geeks who know everything and correct the most minute mistakes. I would have actually "heard them," instead of "heard about them." Rap would revert back to the innocence of Adidas-rocking Run DMC making a collaborative effort with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Michael Jackson would still be the pop king and no one would judge him for where his gloves go. Sub-genres would finally be labeled as "other," or "experimental," and I wouldn't need to keep track of that shit. All pop-punk rock bands would have sex with each other and become one giant Megazord (Orgyzord?) of pop-punk rock bands; Jimmy Eat World would be the head, while New Found Glory would be the mangled, syphilis inflicted cock, spraying the pus of horrible music on Blink-182 fans who just want them to get together again. Coldplay would eventually take off their human suits to reveal their cyborg exoskeletons, while Radiohead would lash out with tasers to destroy their robotic imposters. Audioslave would descend from a blimp as a reincarnated Led Zeppelin, and many cheers would be heard. Coheed and Cambria would come out with albums faster, while Claudio Sanchez would fuck every woman on earth to prove his vocal range is a blessing and not a homosexual curse. Godspeed! You Black Emperor would shorten their name to Godspeed, Pretentious Ass and then shorten that to Tool. Hardcore bands would keep kicking ass like they do, while AFI would try as hard as they can to fit in with Converge fans. Weird Al Yankovich would parody Animal Collective and subsequently get raped by his own hair. Ashlee Simpson would have only been a horrible nightmare, instead of a world-destroying nightmare. Sam Beam's beard would engulf all the bands on the Projekt Revolution tour and spit them out with good taste in music. Linkin Park would record another Hybrid Theory-worthy album. The members of Reel Big Fish would turn into really big cartoon fish and star in a Little Mermaid remake where they gang bang the little mermaid. NWA would become the horsemen of a new world order and bring in the apocalypse... with attitude. Daft Punk would take over France and then France would be a pretty okay place to visit. Tegan and Sara would give me kisses. Marilyn Manson would be president with a cabinet of Amanda Palmer as the Secretary of State (Dirty Business?), Sufjan Stevens as Secretary of the Interior (Illinoise?), The Blood Brothers as Secretaries of Homeland Security (Fire to the Face on Fire?), Dr. Dre as Secretary of Agriculture (Chronic 2001?), an undead Johnny Cash as Secretary of Labor (If I Were a Carpenter?), Luciano Pavarotti as Secretary of Defense (cause that would be fucking awesome), Lindsay Lohan as Secretary of Health and Human Services (hells of irony), Kanye West as Secretary of the Treasury (I don't even know anymore), and Rancid as Secretaries of Transportation (why the hell not?). Ray Charles would rise from the grave without a sense of smell or taste and make more wonderful music about being pissed off at his multiple handicaps. Matisyahu would turn out to be the true Messiah, and there would be much rejoicing. Freddy Mercury would have been straight and spawned multiple super-children who would grow into the multi-talented Harlem Globetrotters. Sarah McLachlan would sing me to sleep. Bjork would make a song that I actually get. Sigur Ros would add vocals to his music. Simple Plan and Good Charlotte would have a slap-fight to the death, with no victory on either side. Snow Patrol would team up with Arctic Monkeys and form the band Arctic Snow-Monkey Patrol and earn a popular anime on Adult Swim. Brand New would stop being so goddamned emo. Aaron Lewis of Staind would lose weight and finally get all the ass he deserves, not that he doesn't get any at the moment. Stephen Lynch would become a guitar-ninja and recruit other singing comedians into his band of night-serenading-assassins. System of a Down would stop being so badass and then say "fuck you" and then become badass once again. Tenacious D would be the national minstrels and "Fuck Her Gently" would replace "The Star Spangled Banner." Bert McCracken would be crushed in a car compacter but would sound exactly the same. Jack White would replace Cedric Bixler-Zavala in The Mars Volta and their lyrics would finally make some fucking sense. Spoon would stay the same. I like Spoon. It's too bad I can't eat CD's without rupturing my GI tract.
So what if I've given up on coming up with shit to say? Wanna fight about it?
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| | Posted 8/26/2007 9:16 PM - 23 Views - 18 eProps - 12 comments
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